Mental Battles

I have had quite a few moments of weakness in all the years that I have been on this merry-go-round with my weight. This ranges from sneaking food without tracking it (because if no one sees you eat it then the calories don't count, right?) all the way to negatively talking to and about myself.

It's been a very frustrating ride and it's been a long battle to deal with both the physical and mental aspect of weight loss. I've managed to see success on both sides, but I really don't think I've worked on both, and I definitely have not seen success on both, at the same time. I think maybe that's why I'm more focused this go around and why I am seeing consistent success from week to week.

I am no expert and I do expect to see failure along the way. It's all a learning process and it changes on a daily basis. There is no way I am ever going to be perfect or learn everything that there is to learn. So for now I am just really happy learning how to eat well and love myself for who I am now while still trying to improve myself all around.

The physical change is nice and definitely a goal, but the mental change has done wonders for me and I am so happy to be where I'm at right now. I can look in a mirror and see myself without focusing on the things I do not like. I'm human. What am I to expect? I can't airbrush myself every morning in the mirror before I see my image. I have cellulite and stretch marks and skin. I have jiggle and wiggle and bounce with each step. I have curves and muscle and fat. I am perfect just the way I am.

It seems a little weird to sit here and type this. To say that I love the stretch marks on my stomach, the jiggle in my thigh as I run and the cellulite on my curvy backside all in the same post where I explain that I am still trying to change who I am by losing weight and inches and fat. It is a weird place to be, to love myself (something I can honestly say I've never done before). I know that this time I am not trying to lose weight to fit a stereotypical idea of what I should look like. I am not trying to lose weight for someone else. I am not trying to tone up for a specific event. I know that getting to a healthy weight would do wonders for me- my health, my running, my future. It will also show Isabel that it's okay to have a relationship with food but to make it a healthy one. It's a good thing to find a workout you enjoy and to do it often. It's okay to be healthy and to love your body despite it's flaws.

I feel like I'm rambling now..

Basically, my point of this post is that last night I was tested. I had a choice to break down and begin the negative self-talk or to move on from the experience with some knowledge about my body and different clothing options/stores.

Spoiler Alert... I chose to move on.

I went into The Limited last night while walking around the mall with Patrick after going to dinner on our date for the month. I have never gone into that store but the sale signs called my name. The entire store was 40% off and the clearance items were an additional 50% off the already marked down price. Since I am going to be cleaning out my closet I decided I would take a look and see if I could find anything.

I immediately started putting size 12 work pants on my arm: blue, black and gray, cream and red. A nice variety of clearance pants that were in my size! Imagine that. I wanted to start dressing nicer for work and putting together outfits, so this worked perfectly for me... That is, until I got into the dressing room.

The pants looked horrible. Every. Single. One of them. I got frustrated and almost walked out of the store then, however I looked at myself in the mirror. I stood there and realized that 1. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm putting in the hard work to get there and I'm beautiful no matter my size 2. Different stores cut their clothing differently, so a size 12 in one store could be a 10 or a 14 in another 3. My thighs are awesome and gorgeous and big and get me through half and full marathons and I wouldn't trade them for all the cute pants in the world.

I didn't leave the dressing room. Instead I tried on the pair of jeans I brought with me and... they fit. Beautifully. So did the button up blouse and the blazer. The last three things I tried on were the only three things I bought. I wore the outfit today (with a new pair of shoes I got on clearance from Target) and I feel fantastic!

It threw me off when I tried on those pants. I'm not going to lie and say that I was Miss Mary Sunshine when I left the store. Trying on clothes is not a pleasant experience most of the time. But, the more I thought about the experience the more I realized that it's okay to not have a cookie cutter body, to have pants fit well in the waist and not in the thighs or hips. It's okay to put things back if they look better on the hanger instead of on you. It's okay to buy yourself an outfit when it makes you feel good.

Everything is okay. And I am really liking this positive place I have been in recently...