The blogging. Journaling. Spilling my deepest thoughts out onto a white screen for people to read about. The positives. The negatives. The good, bad and ugly. The successes. The failures.
Everything.
I have not been keeping up with my goals. I have not been keeping up with my weight loss. In fact the only thing I have been consistently doing is running (and the bare minimum at that) and stressing.
It's been two weeks since I've had anything to say. There are a few reasons for this. Stress, no time, nothing interesting to say, embarrassment, shame, etc. I felt like a dog who had misbehaved and knew it was going to be scolded so I come back with my tail between my legs to explain, share and plan.
Yet again I have to admit to not just you, but to myself that I bit off more than I could chew. It's amazing that I can easily tell someone else to take it one day at a time, to pick one goal and work on only that before adding something else, to make it livable and to not take on more than you can realistically do for the long run and then do the complete opposite myself and expect it all to work out.
I tried to do too much and my focus began to shift from a healthy lifestyle to obsessing about the scale and all that nonsense. It was like something changed and I was finding myself sliding back into that negative mentality. The name calling, the fear, the negativity washed over me and I knew that if I didn't make a change soon then it would be the beginning of a very dark path.
A lot has been happening these past two weeks. Mostly fun, some not so fun. I have allowed stress from one area of my life seep into and affect other areas. What is supposed to be a fun and exciting time of buying a house has been overshadowed by this darkness and it has been the cause of a few breakdowns that I am not proud of.
You see, our house buying experience has been relatively uneventful. We decided the time was right to begin the journey, we saw a few houses and then we found the one. It all happened so quickly that my fear of losing the one was intense and it took me awhile to post a picture and share my excitement because I thought that I would be jinxing it.
Since then it has been packing and signing documents. Some stress has come up from this experience as we start thinking about money and the increase of expenses with buying a house, but I tell myself that we have made the budget and although it will be tight until we hit our groove we will make it work. Communication is key during this process, especially with money and the first couple of months are going to be trial and error.
But a tear or two has been shed. Some of them due to us not being further ahead in our packing, but most being caused by my body. When I get stressed, I eat. It's not something I'm proud of but it is a fact. And boy have I been stressed these past two (or more..) weeks. This dark (40+ hour a week) force has been draining and all I can do is try to "Elsa" it.. aka, let it go. It's so much easier said than done though and only time will tell if my efforts are worth it. It's difficult feeling unacknowledged and unappreciated though...
The stress eating caused a pause in my weight loss attempt and some reflection on what I needed in order to see success. I'm not sure why it took me so long this time around, but I finally found my way back to where I need to be.
I have seen success with Weight Watchers and every time I end up thinking I can do it on my own. Each time I come back with more weigh than the time before. It's embarrassing, but here we go again. To be honest I have a really good feeling about this. I know that meetings are what I need. I have the support of my family and friends, but the meetings are where I am able to get the accountability that I need. I can ask questions and participate. Most importantly, there is someone there to look at and make suggestions on my menu so that I can see success.
What stuck out to me the most was the leader saying that losing weight is 95% in the kitchen. And I agree that this is where I have the most difficulty, which is probably why I'm not seeing a lot of success. For whatever reason I find that I have a lot of anxiety when I am in the kitchen. Heck, I have a lot of anxiety thinking about being in the kitchen. I wish I knew why, but at this point I'm not going to question the why but instead focus on the how. How I'm going to get over it and start to be comfortable.
Until then I'm going to make the best choices in the kitchen and continue to run to workout. My running streak is still going strong and although I might not reach my goal for 105 miles this month I'm doing my best to get there or as close as possible. I have a half marathon this coming Sunday and then next month is the half marathon I am looking forward to the most for this year, the Mammoth Half Marathon.
I'm really looking forward to finding the right balance between being a runner and being a healthy weight. I'm also looking forward to getting back to a better mental place with so many areas of my life- running, weight, work, home, money, moving, etc. It's all falling into place and I'm making the right steps to get there.
I've got this.
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