Mental Battles

I have had quite a few moments of weakness in all the years that I have been on this merry-go-round with my weight. This ranges from sneaking food without tracking it (because if no one sees you eat it then the calories don't count, right?) all the way to negatively talking to and about myself.

It's been a very frustrating ride and it's been a long battle to deal with both the physical and mental aspect of weight loss. I've managed to see success on both sides, but I really don't think I've worked on both, and I definitely have not seen success on both, at the same time. I think maybe that's why I'm more focused this go around and why I am seeing consistent success from week to week.

I am no expert and I do expect to see failure along the way. It's all a learning process and it changes on a daily basis. There is no way I am ever going to be perfect or learn everything that there is to learn. So for now I am just really happy learning how to eat well and love myself for who I am now while still trying to improve myself all around.

The physical change is nice and definitely a goal, but the mental change has done wonders for me and I am so happy to be where I'm at right now. I can look in a mirror and see myself without focusing on the things I do not like. I'm human. What am I to expect? I can't airbrush myself every morning in the mirror before I see my image. I have cellulite and stretch marks and skin. I have jiggle and wiggle and bounce with each step. I have curves and muscle and fat. I am perfect just the way I am.

It seems a little weird to sit here and type this. To say that I love the stretch marks on my stomach, the jiggle in my thigh as I run and the cellulite on my curvy backside all in the same post where I explain that I am still trying to change who I am by losing weight and inches and fat. It is a weird place to be, to love myself (something I can honestly say I've never done before). I know that this time I am not trying to lose weight to fit a stereotypical idea of what I should look like. I am not trying to lose weight for someone else. I am not trying to tone up for a specific event. I know that getting to a healthy weight would do wonders for me- my health, my running, my future. It will also show Isabel that it's okay to have a relationship with food but to make it a healthy one. It's a good thing to find a workout you enjoy and to do it often. It's okay to be healthy and to love your body despite it's flaws.

I feel like I'm rambling now..

Basically, my point of this post is that last night I was tested. I had a choice to break down and begin the negative self-talk or to move on from the experience with some knowledge about my body and different clothing options/stores.

Spoiler Alert... I chose to move on.

I went into The Limited last night while walking around the mall with Patrick after going to dinner on our date for the month. I have never gone into that store but the sale signs called my name. The entire store was 40% off and the clearance items were an additional 50% off the already marked down price. Since I am going to be cleaning out my closet I decided I would take a look and see if I could find anything.

I immediately started putting size 12 work pants on my arm: blue, black and gray, cream and red. A nice variety of clearance pants that were in my size! Imagine that. I wanted to start dressing nicer for work and putting together outfits, so this worked perfectly for me... That is, until I got into the dressing room.

The pants looked horrible. Every. Single. One of them. I got frustrated and almost walked out of the store then, however I looked at myself in the mirror. I stood there and realized that 1. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm putting in the hard work to get there and I'm beautiful no matter my size 2. Different stores cut their clothing differently, so a size 12 in one store could be a 10 or a 14 in another 3. My thighs are awesome and gorgeous and big and get me through half and full marathons and I wouldn't trade them for all the cute pants in the world.

I didn't leave the dressing room. Instead I tried on the pair of jeans I brought with me and... they fit. Beautifully. So did the button up blouse and the blazer. The last three things I tried on were the only three things I bought. I wore the outfit today (with a new pair of shoes I got on clearance from Target) and I feel fantastic!

It threw me off when I tried on those pants. I'm not going to lie and say that I was Miss Mary Sunshine when I left the store. Trying on clothes is not a pleasant experience most of the time. But, the more I thought about the experience the more I realized that it's okay to not have a cookie cutter body, to have pants fit well in the waist and not in the thighs or hips. It's okay to put things back if they look better on the hanger instead of on you. It's okay to buy yourself an outfit when it makes you feel good.

Everything is okay. And I am really liking this positive place I have been in recently...

 

Weigh In #6

Starting Weight: 189.2
Last Weeks Weight: 182.0
This Weeks Weight: 180.8

+/-: -1.2
Total +/-: -8.4

This week's loss is a little shocking. Not that I lost, but that I lost 1.2. I am thrilled, but told Patrick last night that I was sure I was going to see a gain. I need to stop thinking that way and instead realize that I am doing well. I am eating better, I am splurging when I want and staying within my calories, I am exercising every day without getting burned out, I am happy. And I am well on my way to healthy!

Last Weeks Goals:

1. Stay off of the scale except for weigh in day. Check! It was once again difficult a day or two before my actual weigh in but it was so worth it to wait. And that urge to check is getting smaller with each passing day.

2. Track. Check! I am really glad to be in the habit of doing this. I'm also glad that MyFitnessPal celebrates the little things. When you are on a streak with tracking it announces every 5 days that you track in a row. For example, yesterday was my 35th day in a row and it showed that on my news feed. I really like that because it helps hold me accountable to track every single day in order to make it to the goal of 365 days in a row.

3. Stick to the workout schedule. Check! I had to be a little flexible with going to the gym and switch it from Tuesday to Wednesday, but I still went and I am so happy that I did. I feel wonderful after a workout and I am starting to feel stronger.

4. (My own personal goal) Start working on my running scrapbook. Check! I sat down one day and decided on how I wanted it to look and started putting it together. Next step is taking pictures of my medals for a section of it and printing out racing pictures for each of the racing pages. I really like it so far. Simple and yet it means so much already.

Workout schedule:

January 12th- January 18th

Sunday: streak completed
Monday: streak completed, No More Trouble Zones completed
Tuesday: streak completed, arm workout completed, gym moved to Wednesday
Wednesday: streak completed, No More Trouble Zones completed, gym completed
Thursday: streak completed, arm workout completed, gym completed

Friday: streak completed, No More Trouble Zones completed
Saturday: training run- 4 miles completed (finished 5.57 miles)

Workout schedule:

January 19th- January 25th
Sunday: streak
Monday: streak, arm workout
Tuesday: streak, No More Trouble Zones, gym
Wednesday: streak, arm workout
Thursday: streak, No More Trouble Zones, gym

Friday: streak, arm workout
Saturday: training run- 10 miles

This weeks goals:

1. Stay off of the scale except for weigh in day.

2. Track.

3. Stick to the workout schedule.

4. Go grocery shopping on payday (Friday)

5. Step out of my comfort zone and use the weight machines at the gym.

Today's run was for Meg. The first half I was running into the sun, blinded by it's brightness. I kept my head low watching my feet beneath me, silently appreciating this opportunity before reflecting on the loss. 

The loss of a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a runner. 

As I turned at the halfway point to come back home I had the sun at my back. I was able to look up at the blue sky and appreciate the early morning for all that it is. I noticed things I didn't see on my way in. I felt the cool breeze, I smelled the eucalyptus, I saw other runners, I heard the birds in the trees and the geese and ducks on the water and I will be forever changed from participating in this event.

I have often thought "Who am I? Why am I here? I'm nothing special. What's my purpose?"

Today I was able to participate in something bigger than anything I have ever participated in and it has changed me. It has put me on a course for my future that I didn't even know existed. I have a lot of work to plan and start something, but I am dedicated and ready for this challenge. If I can change one life the way Meg has changed over 85,000+ then I am doing something right. Here's to the next chapter of my life!

#megsmiles

Bucket List #140: Run a 5K distance straight through (does not need to be a race)

I have been doing really well with sticking to my workout schedule this past week. I had to make one adjustment (moving a workout at the gym from Tuesday to Wednesday) and felt good about the flexibility of rescheduling instead of just canceling. I feel like something has stuck this go around and I am really excited to be seeing changes, both physically and mentally. I am finding myself excited about workouts and am choosing healthier options.

Yesterday's workout was a run (minimum one mile to satisfy my running streak), an arm workout and the gym (no set time on the stationary bike). I called Patrick before I left work to see if he wanted to join me and surprisingly he said yes. I got home from work, picked him up and we headed straight to the gym. My plan was simple- 20ish minutes on the treadmill running intervals and then 30ish minutes on the stationary bike while I read my second book for the month.

Simple turned into so much more.

With Meg's death on my mind and #megsmiles on Saturday I wanted to do more than I normally would do. I needed to push myself past that comfort zone. So, as I pressed quick start and increased the speed for my first running interval I made the decision to not press start on my interval timer and instead to run a 5K distance straight through.

This goal of mine has been on my bucket list for quite some time. I have never attempted it before and to be honest I put it on my list without the intention of ever actually trying. But for some reason, on this particular night, I decided to try.

Those who know me know that I hate the treadmill, calling it the dreadmill instead. I very rarely choose to run on a treadmill over outdoor running and it would take extreme circumstances for me to run longer than 20 minutes on a treadmill. But again, for whatever reason the idea of completing this bucket list item crossed my mind and I didn't give it a second thought.

I chose to run at a "slower" speed of 5.5 mph, something that I felt I could maintain for awhile. I like to believe that when I am running outside that I am running faster than 5.5 mph during the running intervals. I know that I have been told that my walking intervals are faster than normal (tall girl problems), so that gives me hope for my running. I know that my mile times can be considered on the slower side for other runners, however I like how I run and I'm okay with it.

I ran a mile straight and felt pretty good. After all, that's the farthest distance I have run straight through so I knew I could at least do that. I decided then that I needed to cover the time and distance display on the treadmill in order to not obsess over it and stare at it the entire time. I was starting to struggle but focused on just taking it one step at a time and not giving up.

I told myself that when the television at the gym went to a commercial break I could look at the distance. My hope was to be past 1.5 miles when the commercial started. I didn't take into account that the channel was on CNN and they don't go to commercials very often...

When they finally did I was at mile 2.07. There was nothing that could keep me from finishing the entire distance. No matter what, I was going to go until I saw 3.1 on the display. I was having some difficulty and had to dig deep in order to finish. I was thinking of Meg. I was doing this for her. And then this song came on...

 

I almost lost it right there on the treadmill in the middle of the gym. I mean, this isn't a song that you would think would play in the middle of a gym. The music they normally play is high paced.. upbeat. I pushed on. Right up until I reached my goal. 3.1 miles straight through. No stopping. No walking.

 

This may not seem like a big accomplishment for most runners. But it's been over 24 hours since I did it and I am still high on running endorphins. I am still proud of myself for what I pushed myself to do. What I didn't give up doing.

 

Tomorrow's run will also be for Meg. I've printed out my running bib and am planning on wearing blue. The scheduled training run is 4 miles tomorrow, however I haven't decided if I am going to do more or not. I feel as though I should do more, but at the same time I do not want to risk an injury during my training. We shall see what it looks like and feels like in the morning.

#megsmiles

Tuesday morning I woke up to my alarm. I rolled over, hit snooze and fell back asleep. Nine minutes later the alarm went off again. I turned it off and found my phone on my nightstand.

I checked my email and Facebook like I do every morning. But this particular morning was different. Tuesday morning my news feed showed a story about a fellow runner, someone I have never met, someone who was a wife and a mother, someone who was out on her morning run training for the Boston marathon. Someone who was hit and killed by a drunk driver... 

Meg Menzies death has hit me hard. Which seems odd to me because before Tuesday I had never heard her name before. It hit me because I am also a wife, mother and runner. It hit me because even though I consider myself a safe runner, I am also naive in thinking that something like this would never happen to me. Her death opened my eyes to realizing that it can happen.

It also hit me that being a part of the running community, this running family, is beyond amazing and I am truly lucky to be a member.

I still have not put all of my thoughts together on this tragic event. I just can't. It happens too often but for whatever reason this particular incident has stuck with me. I'm going to take that for what it is- a part because I feel like I can relate as a mother and a runner, a part because it brings to light that no matter how safe you are you cannot actually prepare for this and that the running community is a powerful place to be and I am so proud to be a part of it. So many feelings.

I am also quickly realizing that I don't need to justify these feelings to anyone. I feel this way for a reason and maybe it's because I am supposed to be a part of something bigger. I am running tomorrow for Meg. I am wearing blue (her favorite color) as requested by the group. I bought a t-shirt to support the cause and to help her family. Maybe I am also supposed to be looking into making more of a difference. Maybe I am supposed to be finding a way to raise awareness about drunk and distracted drivers the way that some of the members of this facebook group are.

The statistics show that a pedestrian is hit by a driver every 9 minutes. That is too often, in my opinion and I think that something should and can be done to make it more safe for bicyclists, runners, walkers, etc to be out doing what they love to do without the risk of being hit by a car. I am going to look into what I can personally do to help bring awareness. I may possibly start making medal holders and bib holders again, but this time I plan to sell them to donate the money to a cause that supports this awareness.

As of this morning there were a total of
5,900+ members in the facebook group Meg's Miles Supporter
2,200+ shirts sold
$21,000+ raised for the family
and 66,000+ people dedicating the miles they run this weekend to Meg

I'm running for Meg on Saturday. Join the 66,000+ people and go for a walk, a run, anything.

All Photos Courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/groups/megsmiles/

January Mini Goals Update

Since it's the middle of the month it seems fitting to have a quick update of my monthly goals:

New Years Goals that will be included monthly:

1. Write in a journal every day: I have been writing in my journal every day since Christmas. Some days I have more to say than others, however I find that it's been a nice way to end the day.
2. Take at least one picture a day: I have been taking pictures every day. Most days I use the camera I got from Patrick for Christmas, however I have also used my iphone occasionally. I plan on posting a picture from each day at the end of the month.
3. Run and/or walk 105 miles: I am at 75.20/105 as of this afternoon and still plan on getting in 1-2 miles tonight for my streak. I am 23.83 miles ahead of schedule and feeling wonderful with my progress for the month.
4. Run at least one mile every day to continue running streak: Today will be day 87 of my running streak and I will complete it after work when I go to the gym.
5. Track on MFP: Today is my 33rd day of tracking. I feel so much more in control when I track and I know that it is important for me to do so in order to succeed.
6. Read two books: I have completed one book and I am on page 80/346 of the second book. I plan on taking it with me when I go to the gym tonight and reading while on the stationary bike.


January Goals:

1. Have at least one child free date night with Patrick: This has not happened yet and to be honest I'm not sure if it's going to happen this month. Things just keep popping up and I still am working on the not feeling guilty by leaving her with my parents or his parents in order for him and I to go out.
2. Take Isabel to feed the ducks: We went this past weekend and had a lot of fun feeding the ducks. Lots of pictures and a lot of laughter.
3. Make weekly workout schedules and stick to it: So far so good. I did schedule a workout for yesterday to go to the gym, but had to postpone it to today. I am very happy with my progress and commitment to this goal.
4. Organize apartment: It's getting there. There is still some picking up that needs to be done, however I have organized my stuff in our bedroom and feel a lot better about it. I also (finally) put away the rest of the Christmas stuff we still had out.
5. Cook dinner at least once: I made dinner Sunday night. It was an oldie but a goodie and I am forever thankful to Emily Bites for her simple and delicious recipes. I made the bubble-up enchiladas because I am still working on feeling comfortable in the kitchen and I've made this recipe before.
6. Bake a new cookie and/or cupcake recipe: I have not baked anything yet this year but hope to soon!

Sunday Mother/Daughter Date

I decided that since Patrick was at work all morning/afternoon it would be the perfect opportunity to take Isabel on our mother/daughter date. The plan was to walk to the duck pond by our apartment to feed the ducks.

I bought an extra loaf of bread yesterday when I went grocery shopping and surprised Isabel with the idea this morning. I wanted to get a few things accomplished around the apartment first and Isabel was asking me every ten minutes if it was time to go.

It finally was...

I have taken Isabel to the duck pond before and I really don't know why I don't take her more often. It's such a simple thing that takes about an hour and we both have so much fun. We both enjoy walking to the park together, she loves feeding the ducks and geese and I love taking pictures.

I'm also glad that I was able to take the time out of my busy weekend to spend some one on one time with Isabel. Sometimes life just gets in the way and instead of making the time to do something together it's just easier to put it off. It's not something I'm proud of. But I'm working on it.

Here are some pictures from today:

Long Distance Training Run

Yesterday was our long training run.

My mom offered to watch Isabel while we went for our run since Patrick had to work early both weekend days. It's so much easier to run in the morning than it is to wait and go in the afternoon.

We ended up going 8.19 miles using 30:1 intervals. It.. Felt.. Great! So much better than last week's run. I know that last week was different due to the distance and the wind, but I think the main difference why it was difficult last week was because I didn't have my running partner. 

I know that you can have a great run followed by a bad run. I know that every run is different and you really can't compare them. Some runs are faster, some slower. Some have hills, some flat. Sometimes you have a partner, sometime you run alone. There are positives to every run because, well, you're running. Can't complain too much when you get to do what you love every day.. But I know for me it truly helps to have someone there to talk to, to make the run go a little faster.

Not just someone, but my sister. Our relationship has grown so much in the past 3 years. We used to just be sisters and now we are also friends. If it wasn't for her I would not have started running. If it wasn't for her I would have never learned what I was capable of. If it wasn't for her I would have never found my passion. If it wasn't for her I would have never known how amazing she truly is. I mean, I knew by observing. She is really one of a kind, but getting to know her, to talk to her for hours at a time during long training runs is a lot different.

 

 

Only in Southern California can you go out for a run in January wearing a tank top.